Emma Smith and some other thoughts.

I first want to thank all of you of our friends and families that have kept me in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time in my life. Your kind words and thoughts have been so nice and I am grateful to all of your friendships and love.
A week after the miscarriage which my Dr. was allowing to happen naturally, my bleeding did not improve and I was getting terrible headaches everyday, craving high iron foods, and lacked energy; I went back in to see my Dr. He suggested that I should get a D&C done. I agreed and the next day, I was at St. Marks Hospital having a D&C done. It made the headaches go away, I no longer was craving high iron foods, but I still am experiencing post-par tum symptoms both physically and emotionally. Physically, it is getting there but has been a slow and annoying issue; and emotionally, I am working on it but realize that it is a process that will take awhile. There are some days that I am OK, others (like today) where I am not, and other days where it depends on the moment. I have been reading my scriptures, read my patriarch blessing, been ready many ensign & conference talks,I have visited the temple recently and I have read 2 books about miscarriages and losing children that have given me things to think about and to give me direction of how to gain peace with the miscarriage and start to have hope in the future for myself and my family. I have also spent time having a conversation with a wonderful friend (you know who you are), that has been through this trial before and has offered kind words of encouragement and love.

The day that I was having the D&C done, I was a "add on" the the schedule and they were trying to fit me in. I called the hospital that morning and I was told to be there at 10:30 in the morning for registration and that the surgery would happen sometime after 12pm. It did not happen til 2pm so I spent sometime in a room dressed and ready to go. While I was in this room, I had turned the TV on to help me feel entertained during the waiting period. I ended up on the BYU-TV channel and playing was "The Work and the Glory 1". I watched it til they came to get me. Because of being able to watch the beginning of this movie, I got thinking about it often and pulled out the 3 disk series out of storage and watched it all since then. It got me think of Emma Smith. Emma Smith was the wife of Joseph Smith the Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and who helped restore the gospel to the earth. During her lifetime, she experienced many trials and heartaches. She lost many children to illnesses and probably had miscarriages as well, she was without he husband often due to church business or when he was in prion, and eventually became a widow. I remember one event that one of her adopted twin boy was sick and Joseph was tarred and feathered and within a few days, that boy died from exposure to the elements of the weather when he was already sick. Joseph was unable to save their son from death even as a prophet. I am sure that she questioned why he was not capable but most likely was reassured by Joseph that death was the Lords will. (I had Chris give me a blessing before we went to the Er and I was not told that I would lose or keep the baby but Heavenly Father would be with me though it, and I knew that I would or did lose the baby.) Even though she experienced all these trails and heartaches, she still was able to find her peace and became a great lady who helped in the events of the restoration of the church.
I am still searching and praying for my own understanding and peace. I know where to find it and that is where I seek it and I do have hope and faith that I will one day receive it. I am not sure what is in the future of my family. If we will be able to have another child, if we will be able to sell our condo, or have some other things happen that we desire. But I do have faith and hope that everything will work out the way they are suppose to and in it own time.
If you see me and I cry, please just hug me and give me the time that I need to work through this. I am grateful to all of you.