My First Miscarriage

My husband and I learned the day after Christmas that we were to be expecting our 4Th and last baby. After 8 months of trying then a 6 month break and we just started to Clomid right after Thanksgiving, we were thrilled to learned that a baby that was suppose to be apart of our family finally was coming to join us.
I was starting to feel morning sickness and other symptoms. I switched OBGYN and had y first appointment with a ultra sound for Thursday January 6, 2011. I also was feeling proud of myself that I was able to keep up on my walking routine even if I did not work out as long as I normally would do.
Tuesday came with nothing in the ordinary except for the fact that I would have to go to my graveyard shift and I did feel tired, but I still managed to walk for 1/2 hr with Leslie Sansone and do some laundry and other chores around the condo. After dinner however, I started to feel this pain in my pelvic area that maid me feel like I was doubled over in pain not to wear my pants. I took some Tylenol and still went to work. I eventually thought that it could be constipation and maybe I would feel better after I rested a bit when I got off my shift. It continued through out the night and a one point of the night it felt like a regular interval of gas that was trying to leave my body but it hurt my pelvic area more. I mention it to another co-worker who is also expecting but she said that it might be normal and I would be fine. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking it could be the beginning of a miscarriage and knew there would be nothing I could do to stop it so I just tried to keep a prayer in my heart in hopes that it was not me losing the baby. Latter on in the morning the pain was getting so unbearable that I called Chris to tell him that it was still bothering me and to bring me a Lortab when he brought the kids in the area for Preschool. The Lortab made me feel better and I was able to finish the rest of my shift. When my shift came to a end I really wanted some Beef with Broccoli so we stopped at Panda for some, that way I could eat lunch and lay down the rest of the day.
When we got home, the pain started back up, so I told Chris that I would use the bathroom and change into some comfy clothes and then I would come back to each lunch. While I went to the bathroom, I found lots of blood on a pad that I felt to put on over night. I decide to take another test which said I was still pregnant but I was bleeding heavy by then. I laid on the bed and called the OBGYN's nurse. They told me to go to the ER immediately. I yelled down that hall for Chris in tears and told him we had to stop everything and take me to the ER. I frantically tried my mom to come watch the kids and finally got her after 5 tries. I collapsed on the floor crying and saying that I did not want to lose the baby and saying I did not understand why this was happening to us when getting pregnant is so difficult for us. When I talk to my mom, it was the first time that I had told her that I was pregnant. I only had know for a week and a half.
In the car I cried the whole way up to the Er. When we got to St. Marks Er, I went to the check in desk and told the lady in tears that I was 5 1/2 weeks pregnant and I was having a possible miscarriage. After talking with her and then the registration lady they had me sit in the waiting room. I cried and felt numb. They finally after 10 long minutes took me to a room. They hooked me up on a IV right away asked me questions about when was my last period, how far along I was, my symptoms, level of pain and blood type (they were surprise to know that I knew that I am O positive). After several minutes a Dr. came and talk to me and a tech took me down for a ultra sound. They said nothing except asking me if I was OK. I was cold from the IV and lack of sleep plus scared so I could not stop shivering. They took me back to me room and left me there for a 1 1/2 before anyone came back to talk to me. They took a urine sample and gave me a pelvic exam. I started to get a headache and felt like I was going to throw up. The Dr. finally came back in and told me that yes I was pregnant but my hormone level was too low and that i was off on my dates. They told me that there was 3 possible outcomes; 1). I was still pregnant 2). it was a ectopic pregnancy 3). a miscarriage. They sent me home and told me to still see my OBGYN the next day as planned and told me to take it easy for the next couple of days and took me off work.
Thursday came and at the OBGYN I learned nothing new then what I had learned the day before. He told me that I needed to back to the Hospital on Friday and have a repeated blood test. He said if my hormone doubled I was still pregnant and if it stayed the same or was lower it would be a miscarriage.
On Friday, I was still having a bad headache and Lortab and Ibuprofen was not helping. I went to see my regular dr. She said that I needed to be on bed rest through the weekend and to switch what I was drinking (water to Gatorade) just in case I was bleeding too much or getting dehydrated during the miscarriage process.I went to the Lab later that afternoon. The nurse called and told me that my number was dropping which is consistant to a miscarriage. She said to stay resting through the weekend as well, and to come in weekly for a blood test so they can follow my hormone level til it gets to zero.
I feel helpless, sad, numb, beside myself. I am not sure why this has happened to me. I have had many people offer their condolences which is nice. Others have told me they have been through the same thing and understand how I feel. It is nice that people are sharing their stories with me, but it still does not replace the pain and sorrow that I am feeling. It does not bring a baby back. I want to carry this baby, feel the baby move, hold this baby as newborn. have pictures and memories, I was hugs and kisses that I will never have. Some people have told me it is better to lose the baby now then later, and although their words are true and they try to be helpful, I still feel grief and pain. My body is going through post-partum as if I had a baby but there is no baby, no flowers, no gifts, just tears. Some articles that I read said to help with the grieving phase is to frame the ultra sound pic or hold a memento of the baby lost. I never made it to a ultra sound so there is no pictures or anything to keep. I never thought that because I have difficulty getting pregnant that I ever would have to worry about a miscarriage, now I do. We had not told very many people yet that I was expecting because we wanted to wait until the Dr's appointment to make sure everything was OK. I did not expect that I would have to tell people that I was expecting by telling them that I had a miscarriage instead. It has been no fun laying around the house the last several days and not being able to exercise, getting out of the house, going to church to start my emotional healing. The night of the miscarriage the twins were suppose to go to their first birthday party for a close family friend, and they had to miss it because I was at the Er., and I feel bad. I have had to miss work and my boss was planning on taking Friday off and I ruined those plans. I have not been able to take care of my family, or clean my house and sometimes I feel like I should not cry. I've ruined plans, made family feel like they should take care of me, I feel like a burden.
The only thing that is helping me through this miscarriage, is the knowledge that my faith in my Savior gives me. I know that because my husband and I were married in the temple and our family is sealed together that this baby that was taken away early before its birth and returned back to Heavenly Father, will still indeed be my child. I may not understand the reasons why Heavenly Father has this little baby return back home to him and the purpose this baby has in Heavenly Fathers' plan but I know that Heavenly Father will comfort me and heal my heart and I know someday if I keep my covenants that I have made I will see me baby.
I don't know if or when we will try to have another child or if it is even possible, but I do know that I am so blessed to have my twins Matthew and Ashleigh and my baby Joshua plus my little baby inside of me for 5 1/2 weeks. I love being a mom and I love my children. They bless my life everyday and I would not want my life to be any different.
I know this post is sad and heartbreaking but this is for my healing and memory. May Heavenly Father be with us and help us through our griefs and sorrows, and shout for our joys.